Not all of these quotes are funny, but the vast majority are.


I | J | K | L | M | N | O |


*- I

  • "I ain't heard no fat lady!"
    "Forget the fat lady. You're obsessed with the fat lady."
    °  Independence Day
  • "Perhaps this is the only real evil left."
    °  Interview with the Vampire
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*- J

  • "You're gonna need a bigger boat."
    °  Jaws
  • "Can the tooth among the stones make answer?
    Can the seven bones reply?
    Ask them why. They will not answer you."
    °  J.B. - Macleish
  • "Those stars that stare their stares at me..
    Are those the staring stars I see?
    Or only lights.. not meant for me."
    °  J.B. - Macleish
  • "Have you ever got the feeling that you're not completely embarrassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?"
    °  Jerry Maguire
  • "A little rain never hurt anybody."
    "Yeah, but a lot can kill ya."
    °  Jumanji
  • "God help us.. we're in the hands of engineers."
    °  Jurassic Park
  • "But John, when the Pirates of the Carribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists."
    °  Jurassic Park
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*- L

  • "Never run from anything immortal; It only attracts their attention."
    °  The Last Unicorn
  • "You are free to sever the chains of fate that bind you."
    °  The Legend of Dragoon
  • "You ever met anyone you didn't kill?"
    "Well I haven't killed you yet..."
    °  Lethal Weapon
  • "I'm Chaos and he's Mayhem. We're a double act."
    °  Lethal Weapon III
  • "Where are we going?"
    "Nowhere."
    "So what's the rush?"
    °  The Lost Boys
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*- M

  • "I have always taken you with a grain of salt; Like when you asked me to sleep under the bad at the hotel on prom night, in case your mother burst in, I said ok; and on your birthday when you asked me to do a strip tease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I did it... and even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told almost all my relatives that you could see her nipples thru her burial dress, I let it slid. But if you think I'm gonna take this shit now that we're broken up... you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!"
    °  Mallrats
  • "You don't know the real me."
    "There isn't a real you."
    "Oh yeah.. I forgot."
    °  Man on the Moon
  • "You know how to use that thing?" [pointing to the sword]
    "Sure.. The pointy end goes into the other guy."
    °  The Mask of Zorro
  • "So what do you need, besides a miracle?"
    "Guns. Lots of guns."
    °  The Matrix
  • "What is real? How do we define real?"
    °  The Matrix
  • "Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do."
    °  The Mexican
  • "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tot throws a sword at you!"
    °  Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • "Who's that, then?"
    "I dunno, must be a king."
    "Why?"
    "He hasn't got shit all over him."
    °  Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • "I have a strange attraction to feet. I do not know why."
    °  Mr. Deeds
  • "My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?"
    "Dragon, Dra-GUN. I don't do that tongue thing."
    °  Mulan
  • "Death is only the beginning."
    °  The Mummy
  • "What is it?"
    "A bill... everything here for tonight has been rented- the butler, the
    cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything!"
    "You mean-"
    "Yes. This entire murder has been... catered."
    °  Murder by Death
  • "Is very strange. Dining room full of empty people!"
    °  Murder by Death
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*- N

  • "I once talked a guy out of blowing up the Sears Tower, but I can't talk my wife out of the bathroom or my daughter off the phone."
    °  The Negotiator
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*- O

  • "It's not that I'm lazy. I just don't care. It's a problem of motivation."
    °  Office Space
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