Not all of these quotes are funny, but the vast majority are.

A | B | C |

*- A

  • "If I'm not back in five minutes... Just wait longer."
    °  Ace Ventura - Pet Detective
  • "The guy with the rubber gloves was surprisingly gentle."
    °  Ace Ventura - Pet Detective
  • "AAAA! It's in the bone! Quick, throw me a spear!"
    --fling-- ... ::snkik::..
    "Gyah! ARGH!"
    °  Ace Ventura II - When Nature Calls
  • "Surely you can't be serious!"
    "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
    °  Airplane!
  • "Doctor, can you give the court your impression of Mr. Striker?"
    "I'm sorry, I don't do impressions. My training is in Psychiatry."
    °  Airplane II: The Sequel
  • "Combination hooka and coffee maker! Will not break! Will not- it broke.."
    °  Aladdin
  • "That's, uh, quite a dress you almost have on."
    °  An American in Paris
  • "Get OFF.. the nuclear.. warhead."
    °  Armageddon
  • "Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun."
    °  Army of Darkness
  • "Why won't you die?!"
    °  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
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*- B

  • "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?"
    °  Batman
  • "Why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs? Is it me?"
    °  Batman and Robin
  • "Has anyone ever told you you have a SERIOUS impulse control problem?!"
    °  Batman Forever
  • "Holy rusted metal, Batman!"
    "The island.. it's made out of rusted metal.. and holey.. you know.."
    °  Batman Forever
  • "You may be a king, or a little street sweeper,
    But sooner or later, you dance with the reaper."
    °  Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
  • "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
    °  Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
  • "Where you headed, cowboy?"
    "Nowhere special."
    "Nowhere special... I always wanted to go there.."
    °  Blazing Saddles
  • "What's your name?"
    "Well, my name is Jim. But most people call me... Jim."
    °  Blazing Saddles
  • All of us are travelers lost
    our tickets arranged at a cost
    unknown but beyond our means.
    This odd itinerary of scenes
    - enigmatic, strange, unreal -
    leaves us unsure how to feel.
    No post-mortem journey is rife
    with more mystery than life.
    °  The Book of Counted Sorrows - Dean Koontz
  • "I don't know what's scarier, losing a nuclear warhead, or that it happens so often there's actually a term for it."
    °  Broken Arrow
  • "You're out of your mind."
    "Yeah.. Ain't it cool?"
    Broken Arrow
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*- C

  • "I came to Casablanca for the waters."
    "The waters? What waters? We're in the desert."
    "I was misinformed."
    °  Casablanca
  • "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."
    °  Casablanca
  • Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.
    °  Catch-22
  • "Theoretically, people see money on a counter and no one around, they think they're being watched."
    "Honesty through paranoia..."
    °  Clerks
  • "This job would be great, if it weren't for the f--king customers."
    °  Clerks
  • "My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star, were innocent victims when they were destroyed by the Rebels."
    °  Clerks
  • "Professor Plum, you were once a professor in Psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur."
    "Yes, but now I work for the United Nations."
    "So, your work has not changed.."
    °  Clue
  • "Well, he was always a rather stupidly optimistic man - it came a a great SHOCK to him when he died, but he was found dead at home, his head had been cut off. And so had his um... you know..."
    °  Clue
  • "The Aboriginees call him.. 'Jebejedehadeda.' Which means!.. The crocodile, who walks like a man."
    °  Crocodile Dundee II
  • "Whatever you do in this life, be true to yourself."
    °  Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
  • "Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, Chaos, Anarchy.. Now that's fun!"
    °  The Crow
  • "It can't rain all the time."
    °  The Crow
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