I must have made a lot of people upset. Really. That's what I think when I open my e-mail every day, and I click the Norton Antivirus "finished" button countless times for all these viruses people wished upon me. But then I remember, back in my AOL days when I had no website and nothing else to identify me but a profile and a few AOL chat rooms, and I used to get five times that amount. So I think people are just idiots with too much time on their hands. Get a job. Find a religion. Get a life, maybe? A girlfriend... A puppy... A Star Trek video collection. Anything.

It wouldn't really bother me so much, if it weren't for the titles. I mean, I have Norton Antivirus, and it's updated, and whatnot, so all it causes me is some extra DELETEs and the bit of stress on my finger that comes along with that harsh button. But if I were going to send a virus out, I'd really spend some time thinking about the subject line. It's usually the only thing people read before they delete it. And I would be embarrassed if I were some of these hacker-wannabes and I couldn't think of a simple title.

Among the string of generic titles I've gotten, here are some of the more un-original:
  • So cool a flash,enjoy it.
    Learn proper English.

  • Onmouseup
    Nobody in their right mind sends someone else javascript. And whoever does wouldn't entitle it with a small piece of that javascript code, that doesn't make ANY sense by itself. When my friends want to talk java, we always start our conversations with "script." Don't yours?

  • A special excite game
    What is an "excite" game? Who the hell came up with THIS title? I really hope it wasn't an American. Because then I'd just be... ashamed.

  • Content goes here
    Ooh, here's a good one! I guess on their virus package, they didn't think to open it and read it. They were too excited to send it to people and "test it out!"

  • Compressed
    It makes me think of constipation. Or depression. Or a sad combination of the two. This poor e-mail. Here it's sitting all compressed! I feel so bad for it, I just want to open it and hug it and squeeze it. It sounds so painful..

  • Dances hip.
    Yes. Your dancing adequacy will make me want to open your e-mail even more!

  • A new game
    Wow! All these people want to send me new games! But.. well.. see.. I have all these old games on my computer that I haven't finished yet.. and I'd feel bad if I just brushed them aside for newer games.

  • Leftmargin
    Script, my good man! Script!!!

  • A new website.
    Let's see. In the vast blanket of spacial online-ness, thousands of websites are born every day. And yet, strangely, I feel drawn to view none of them, because I have all these perfectly good, old websites that I frequent.

    leftmargin. rightmargin. They all wind up the same in the end.

  • with OOP.
    This is almost as appealing as those "Got Milk?" commercials. I just.. want to be with OOP so much...

  • Top.MLRead

  • A humour game.
    This one took a lot of thought. I mean, look at the U in humour. The U!!

  • To Remove
    No thanks, I don't need any help. The voices showed me how to work the DELETE button awhile back.

    To the best of my knowledge, this combination doesn't even go together.
    You no speaka my language! </SCRIPT>
    And I was so looking forward to resize scrolling.. It was going to be the next olympic sport...

  • Backgrounds.
    Foregrounds. Merri-go-rounds!

  • End Project BAR DART TAG.
    Oh, that ended weeks ago. Didn't you get the memo?
Now see.. If I were going to create a virus, I'd at least have the decency to come up with something original for all those poor people who are sick and tired of reading things that don't make sense. Here, for all you hacker-wannabes, I have a few suggestions:
  • I'M A VIRUS!
    See, this is going to attract as many people as all those names up there did - and you get to be direct! It's so much more fun like this! Just to see how many people open your mail, when the title is as blatant as that.

  • They call me Mellow Yellow...
    I like Mello-Yello. And those commercials are obnoxiously addicting. Maybe someone will open it thinking they've won a free Mello-Yello or something.

  • Ninjas waiting to kick you inside!
    Now how many people have never wanted a good ass-beating by professional ninjas? They even take turns! Twelve ninjas to an e-mail!

  • Oh yeah? Oh yeah?!?! Well...
    See, they're expecting the evil now. But they don't know what it is. It will bother them until they have to open it! Get it? G-... Oh why am I bothering...

  • My e-mail's better than your e-mail.
    I'd open that one just to send some witty and half-baked reply.

  • A tiny angel is inside this e-mail. Open QUIETLY.
    ... You know they're just dying to find out what YOUR idea of a tiny angel is. And somehow prove you wrong. Or be disgusted. Or laugh. Or something.

  • Sometimes, a virus is all you need.
    This is for those people who are really freaky about collecting viruses. See, you can hook them in...

  • Sit down before you open this.
    It's proper English. It's authoritative! It demands respect even before you open it! And you know, maybe they're expecting really bad news when they open it, so they won't be disappointed.
The whole quality of these current subjects on virus e-mails gives us one small idea of what type of people are sending these things. Of course, another good idea comes from the fact that they get their amusement by sending innocent strangers VIRUSES to ruin perfectly good, hard-earned, and sometimes well-deserved equipment.

But to everyone who has been taken in by one of these cryptic and meaningless viruses, at least you can take some comfort in the fact that most of these poor imbeciles probably have no life, little education, and will be able to coordinate a kangaroo army easier than hold any real job for a valuable amount of time.

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