Ye Olde Taverne

  1. "So you're all in a bar..."

  2. Nobody ever uses the door. Ever.

  3. If they use the door, it usually involves ripping it off the hinges, bashing into it, or some other process that takes at least nine steps and seems unnecessarily complicated.

  4. Every tavern, no matter HOW crowded, will always have one empty table apart from everybody else in a dark, secluded corner.

  5. All newcomers are magnetically attracted to this table.

  6. Once the newcomer sits at that table, a new empty table appears, in a new dark, secluded corner, to which the next newcomer will be instantly attracted.

  7. No matter what you order, the bartender will always have two bottles left of it.

  8. Your character can always pick up a date quicker than you can, in any bar.

  9. There is only one bar, the Unibar.  All other bars are merely projections of the essential barness of the Unibar.  The unibar provides endless quantities of alcohol for each of its shadow-bars, as well as generating the dark corners and uninhabited tables for each.

  10. Bar tables are made by enslaved kobolds in a factory near the Unibar, therefore, it does not matter how many are destroyed in bar fights.

  11. Every tavern, inn, bar, and other assorted gathering is in the shape of an n-gon, where n is greater than the total number of evil characters in the dark corners.  There must always be room for one more, after all.

  12. Tenders are an endangered species.

  13. Rarely will anyone notice anything happening in an inn besides their own conversation. Violent deaths are especially unlikely to draw anyone's attention.

  14. When a character leaves a tavern, they must hover around the entrance for five minutes to see who they've lured into joining them.

  15. No matter how small the room is, half the people will be in the rafters.

  16. Any player if they wish can, simply with a look of nonchalance, walk through a crowded nightclub/bar/sports arena/airport without touching shoulders or bumping a single person.

  17. Don't worry, the rafters are completely safe from your pissed off girlfriend.

  18. Until your best friend inevitably pushes you down.

  19. The tavern/inn/bar will never run out of money or drinks. No matter how many people keep consuming and forgetting to pay, or how many people the tender feels sorry for.

  20. Despite the fact that there are n amount of dark corners in any given bar, there will still be enough open space left for newbies to start a brawl in. It has yet to be satisfactorily explained how this all can fit in the small, unassuming, dilapidated buildings that the vast majority of taverns are described as.

  21. No matter how big, strong, fast, agile, quick, accurate, or tough your character is... The bartender can ALWAYS kick your ass.

  22. A Tavern/Inn/Bar can be destroyed, but it will always be rebuilt five minutes later.

  23. If a table has more than one person, expect them to leave either to "do it," or to plot the world's destruction.

  24. In Inns or Taverns, the people ALWAYS pay. If not with gold, then with some other priceless one-of-a-kind item.

  25. If somebody can't pay, there's always a wandering traveler who is more than happy to pay for them. Always.

  26. Someone tripping over a table in a tavern will always draw more of a crowd than a violent death.

  27. If a Tavern/Bar is destroyed and DOESN'T rebuild itself five minutes later, the town you are in will always have an infinate number of new Tavern/Bars for you to choose from.

  28. If it isn't a flash of light that blinds the room, its a puff of white smoke.

  29. No, it is not physically possible to fit a dragon sized in-door pool on the first floor of a tavern.


  31. Somehow There will always be a man in the Tavern/Inn with a monkey on his shoulders trying to hit on all your female characters.
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