D&D Funnies

1. GMs don't know how to be cryptic (i.e. turning the answer "Turn the dial 3 times clockwise" into "wash your feet with applesauce and shimmy down the pole").  

2. Nobody dies for long.  Every party has a member that can raise the dead or can buy it from the convenient village necromancer.  

3. When poisoned, diseased, etc you will fail your save.  

4. Every attack roll made by the enemy is a critical hit.  

5. If you have an intelligent magic item, get rid of it.  It wants to kill you.  

6. When you see a dim light through the fog it is always a will-'o-wisp.  

7. If the GM ever smiles, run as fast as you can.  

8. Low-light vision and darkvision never work.  

9. Wizards are never diviners.

10. No one is ever good.

11. When rolling the dice for no reason you will always roll a twenty. The moment you have to roll it for battle you will get a 1.

12. Never rape the animals, burn the females, and eat the buildings.

13. No one ever tells anyone what to do, even if they have an Intelligence of 3.

14. Female dwarves do have beards.

15. If the campaign has a villain, it will always be a wizard, cleric or demi-god.

16. Every Drow in the party will be a loner who seeks to do good and fight against his disowned brothers.

17. Whenever the DM takes the time to describe the weather, it is always a premonition to something big and nasty.

18. If the DM doesn't describe the weather, he's about to throw you into combat.

19. Nobody ever remembers that Wilderness Lore can get you free food. But it doesn't matter; nobody eats anyway.

20. [Call of Cthulhu] Burn the books. All of them.

21. "The Tarrasque has an intelligence value of 3! That means it understands one language! I tell it to stop rampaging and go back to sle--"

22. Nobody actually knows how to say Tan'ari (let alone spell it!).

23. Monsters that can talk never actually talk. They just grunt like Chewbacca.

24. There is always someone in the party who can understand this grunting.

25. No matter how small the entrance is, every dungeon will have a 100 foot tall behemoth lurking somewhere in a huge chamber.

26. Villains who are sorcerors always know a completely different set of spells every time you encounter them.

27. Every vampire wears a ring that lets him go out in daylight.

28. Don't bother taking feats. You'll never get to use them.

29. No, Quidditch is not covered in the Player's Handbook.

30. It doesn't matter if you spend a year in a tavern, your party will ALWAYS reach the evil overlord's inner sanctum JUST before the ultimate evil demon is released upon the world.

31. Whenever a second dice roll is required for critical hit damage, it will always be a 1.

32. The old hermit living in the hut in the forest is ALWAYS Eleminster.

33. The female Drow you rescue from death will want to 'reward' you in her own way.

34. The male Drow you rescue from death will ALWAYS be Drizzt Do'Urden.

35. If the DM ever sighs and says oookkkk...... as you leave a room, you have definitely missed somthing good.

36. Never jump in the water if your boat is being destroyed by acid. Chances are, it's in the water too.

37. Never open the mysterious, black box.

38. Never steal from a wizard if you are alone on a boat with him.

39. If the DM threatens to attack your character with grapes, don't take it lightly. The grapes will probably kill you.

40. Don't throw helpless snakes out the window. The giant, poisonous snake WILL find out and get revenge.

41. Floating balls of colored light usually cause massive destruction.

42. No matter how hard you try, you can't make an orc pretty.

43. It's perfectly acceptable for a god to walk into a tavern and have a beer with the locals.

44. If there is a square on the floor, don't knock on it!!!! it will most likely shoot arrows out of the wall at you and your companions.

45. Each GM has something they do while GMing. Be it pacing, or making strange noises while searcing through books, there is something that they do..

46. GM's have waaay too much time on their hands. or the good ones do, anyways.

47. Good things always come to an end.

48. If you recently aquire a spiffy looking sword, and a ghost appears asking for his sword, give it to him. He will most likely give it magical powers and hand it right back to you. if you do not give him the sword, he will force it from you and break it.

49. Always search check. Or pull out your newly empowered sword.

50. Ever run into a half-Bariaur?

51. Oddly enough half-elves are possible, but half-Drow are things we have not yet figured out.

52. If you role play in Sigil (planescape), Factions will  always guarantee a mini-war, especially if you're in one of the more radical.

53. Although there are plenty of run-ins with the Harmonium and plenty of crimes committed and even though the Lady of Pain sees Everything, only a surprising few actually get mazed... (Sigil, planescape)

54. Stone: Free
    Rent-a-squire: 5 gold/day
    Critting a throw with a stone on the squire from the top of a tower and killing him: PRICELESS
55. The thief usually has an evil, intelligent sword (it's evil because the thief is evil) that holds about as much power as the average demi-god.
56. When this sword talks only the evil thief can hear it so the party thinks the thief is bonkers.
57. The party is uaually right.
58. When scoping out how many hordes of low-power monsters you're about to fight (like hobgoblins and orcs) cut the number you see in half since half of them will decapitate themselves by mistake.
59. If you meet a bard in a tavern that isn't modeled after a rock star you'd better watch your back because he most likely wants to kill you.
60. There's generally a benevolent settlement of just about every evil creature somewhere nearby your hometown.
61. No matter how many ranks you have, the DC for the listen check will always be two higher than what you rolled.
62. Kobolds and goblins speak in squeaky voices and are more cute and endearingly stupid than evil or dangerous. Forget the monster manual.
63. Male vampires are nobles, godly powerful, and always fall in love with naive village girls. Female vampires are seductive and will lure away and kill male PCs.
64. If the GM actually describes the raven sitting in the tree while the party makes camp, it's either someone polymorphed or the bad guy's familiar.
65. Never trust anyone under four feet tall.
66. Adventurers never carry soap or more than one change of clothing, but they will be completely immaculate after gorey battles.
67. Non-magical torches still burn forever.
68. No matter how careful a cleric who summons a demon is, it will always escape so lower level adventurers can hunt it down.
69. 99.9% of half-orcs are male.