Work

1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
2. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
3. This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
4. We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
7. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
8. The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing. The generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
9. In every organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.
10. Never quit until you have another job.
11. I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
12. To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.
13. Follow your dream; unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill.
14. If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
15. 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
16. There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal.
17. Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
18. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
19. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
20. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and realize you hadn't gone to sleep yet.
21. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!