Ignorance & Stupidity

  1. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
  2. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.
  3. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  4. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  5. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
  6. Ignorance will take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.
  7. The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with them.
  8. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
  9. If you took all the stupid people in the world... you'd have formed Rhode Island.
  10. Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  11. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  12. I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
  13. Build a machine an idiot can use, and only an idiot will want to use it.
  14. Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
  15. 7/5th of all people don't understand fractions.
  16. Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.
  17. Common sense isn't.
  18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  19. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  20. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  21. I’m not only weird. I’m gifted too.
  22. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... Others just gargle.
  23. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
  24. I can't dial 911.. There's no 11 on my phone.
  25. It's okay to let your mind go blank; but please turn off the sound.
  26. A weak mind is like a microscope. It magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones.
  27. By doing just a little each day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
  28. Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies mark it as at least a misdemeanor.
  29. He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  30. For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.
  31. April 1st. The day we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
  32. It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
  33. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
  34. You are depriving some village of its idiot.
  35. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's own ignorance.
  36. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  37. Just because you're smart doesn't mean that the other guy is stupid.
  38. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  39. You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.
  40. I am infaliable.
  41. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  42. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools.  So far, I think nature is winning.
  43. But I thought it was inflamable!

[This routine, as I've finally discovered, is the intellectual property of Bill Engvall -- according to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, which I watched just to find this out. My friend Rwy'n originally sent it to me in an e-mail. To clarify for future reference, Jeff Foxworthy is responsible for "You might be a redneck," Larry the Cable Guy is responsible for "Git R Dun," and Bill Engvall is responsible for "Here's your sign."]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them  anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack  our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

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