Definitions and Word Play

1. Advice: what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.
2. Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.
3. Baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
4. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
5. Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
6. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!
7. Calcium Anthropology: the study of milkmen.
8. Capitalism: the astounding belief that the most wicked of men will do the most wicked of things for the greatest good of everyone.
9. Cell-phone: a way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing.
10. Celebrity: someone who works all his life to be recognized, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
11. Chemistry: Physics without thought.
    Mathematics: Physics without purpose.
12. Coincidence: when God chooses to remain anonymous.
13. Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everyone thinks they got the biggest piece.
14. Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.
15. Confidence: the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
16. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
17. Conservative: a man who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
18. Conservative: Someone who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation before.
19. Cuisine: something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have a french cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.
20. Deja Fu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
21. Democracy: The theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
22. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
23. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.
24. Friend: Someone who has the same enemies you have.
25. Happiness: the agreeable sensation felt while contemplating the misery of others.
26. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
27. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
28. Ignoranus: a person who is not only ignorant, but an asshole to boot.
29. Illiterate: what you are if you can't read this.
30. Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
31. Leet: the art of finding the hardest possible way to say you did something simple.
32. Life: Sexually transmitted disease, 100% fatal.
33. Linkin Park:  What was created when they began putting fake grass into the "Lincoln Logs" boxes.
34. Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
35. Mass Murder:  What happens when Bob discovers Robertology.
36. Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
37. McBorgs: Over one million assimilated.
38. A metaphor is like a simile.
39. Mortal: a generic pronoun for anyone, invented to solve the 'she/he' issue.
40. Newbie: gathers honey 80% faster.
41. Palidan: Your pal Dan... until he kills you for thinking you're a heretic.
42. Patriot: a person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
43. Physicist: an atom's way of looking at itself.
44. PMS: Puberty Much Sucks.
45. PMS: Purchase More Shoes.
46. Polynesia: memory-loss, in parrots.
47. Reincarnation: Let's keep trying until we get it right.
48. Robertology:  The study of Bob...
49. Slinky: yet another failed attempt at perpetual motion.
50. Spontaneous Combustion: A phenomenon induced in pyromaniacs by the camera crews of shows such as 'believe it or not'.
51. Stupidity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
52. Supernatural: how you have to act to get onto an aeroplane unmolested these days.
53. System of a Down:  A system that loses power excessively.
54. Tech Support: your ISPs way of expressing their hatred towards you.
55. Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor well done.
56. Transvestites: men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
57. Trapezoid: a device for trapping zoids.