After watching another predictable horror flic last night, I thought it was high time to create some form of chart to measure just how close I could predict someone's death. So here it is:

Movie Survival Chart

[yeah yeah, I know, I have way too much time on my hands.]

This isn't exactly a normal graph; but I made it as close to horror-reality as I could. Everyone starts out with a 100% chance of survival, from the moment they appear on the screen. Depending on their past and present actions, that percentage can drop until they are most assuredly either going to die, or going to be insane / injured before the film is over.

I've even made you a little list. If you want to calculate your chances of survival, then think of the last two weeks of your life, and look at this list, answering "Yes" or "No" to each item. If you answer yes to any of them, then subtract that percentage amount from your percentage.

I've referenced at least one movie for each action, so you can see for yourself how it killed someone. And I know, some of them aren't exactly horror movies. But hey, I'm going for a killing ratio, so this involves any movie where people die.

The Morality Line.

    - 80 %
  • Sleeping with someone else when you have a significant other. Obviously, it's not a good idea to cheat on someone, period.
    [Dark City / Dead Calm / Eyes of Fire / Hellraiser / Night of the Living Dead part 3]

    - 50 %
  • Plotting to take over the world. Too many obnoxious heroes around. You don't have a chance.
    [any James Bond movie. Actually.. any movie with a bad guy who wants to take over the world.] - 40 %
  • Killing a family member. Or driving them insane. Or torturing them. Even if they really deserved it.
    [Flesh and Bone / The Man in the Iron Mask / Psycho]

    - 30 %
  • Killing someone [not including family members]. The more you get trigger-happy, the less likely you will wind up in the sequel.
    [Dogma / Face Off / I Know What You Did Last Summer / The Langoliers]

    - 15 %
  • Swimming at night. It's never good to swim without the lifeguard. Or someone around. Especially at night. Geez... Why don't you just wear a sign that says "Shark Bate!," and cut your leg and let the blood billow out or something..?
    [Jaws / Lake Placid]
  • Having a carniverous pet. I don't care if Bubbles is your best friend in the whole, wide world. I wouldn't want that thing around me when people start mysteriously dying.
    [Cudjo / Little Shop of Horrors / Pet Cemetary]

    - 13 %
  • Wishing. For anything. If someone asks you what you wish for, don't. Just pretend they're not talking. And ward yourself against evil.
    [Wish Master / The Monkey's Paw]

    - 12 %
  • Knowing too much. If you know far too much about the house, ship, paranormal, artifact or disease around which the movie is based, producers will kill you off in order to lengthen their plots. Nobody likes a mystery that's too easily solved.
    [The Frighteners / The Net / The Stand / Thirteen Ghosts]
  • Being a member of a minority. Not being biased.. it just seems to be a movie fact that the black/asian/mexican guy is either the one killing everybody, or the one to die first.
    [Abyss / Alien / Scary Movie 2]

    - 10 %
  • Tasering a friend. Honestly.. If you're alone with a group of people, you might not want to get on their bad side by tasering one of them. Because then you're all alone. And that's bad.
    [Batman Returns / Lost Voyage]
  • Taking bribes. Don't ever take a bribe. Ever. If the guy says he's going to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway, whether or not you take the bribe.
    [Thirteen Ghosts / The Blob]

    - 8 %
  • Easy money. This almost falls in the same category as taking bribes. If someone offers you a million dollars to do something ridiculous, it will most likely be more complicated than it sounds, or will cost your life or soul.
    [House on Haunted Hill / The Haunting]

    - 7 %
  • Looking in a mirror. I think this goes along with the whole vanity issue.. The more times you have to look in a mirror, the more likely you're going to see the bad guy in the mirror behind you.
    [Candyman / Halloween H20]

    - 6 %
  • Holding a gun to a person. Especially as a hostage. Good or bad, evil monster or best friend, if you hold a gun to someone, you suddenly become the target.
    [Broken Arrow / The Jackal / Mars Attacks]

    - 5 %
  • Having sex. It doesn't matter if you're married, going out, even if you haven't done anything else wrong. If you have sex, you automatically lose five points in your survival chance. I think it goes along with the whole theory that if you're having that much fun, the world will pit against you to make up for it.
    [Bordello of Blood / Halloween / Lost Boys]
  • Drinking / Doing drugs. When in a horror movie, alcohol and pot are not your friend. This might have something to do with the whole liquor/drug = evil mind set.. Or the drunk driving ratio.. I don't know.
    [Lost Boys / Scary Movie / Scream 2]
  • Video-taping yourself. If I were in a horror movie, I'd be paying attention to the room.. not the camera.
    [House on Haunted Hill / Lost Voyage]

    - 4 %
  • Flirting with someone when you have a significant other. Seven times out of ten, your significant other will find out. Five times out of ten, your significant other will go psychotic and try to kill you.
    [Friday the Thirteenth - Part 5 / Once Bitten]
  • Stealing. Ninety percent of the time, if you steal something, you'll get what's coming to you. So if you have to steal, make sure it's something insignificant. Or pay the person back. Or at least have the common sense to scream out that you'll pay them back as you drive away.
    [Jurassic Park 3 / Leprechaun / The Mummy]

    - 3 %
  • Over-indulgence. With anything. Cream puffs, donuts, food, pornography, the internet, obsessive lust for revenge.. If you're obsessing over something, it really doesn't help your "save-worthy" image.
    [Batman / Seven]

    - 1 %
  • Taunting someone. Don't tease people. Especially psychotic people. It's not nice.
    [Thinner / Valentine]

The Insanity Line.

    - 70 %
  • Selling your soul to the Darker Powers. Duh. This includes offering yourself to a vampire, hanging around with a vampire, making a deal with a demon, etc.
    [Lord of Illusions / Manos: the Hands of Fate / The Mummy / Bordello of Blood]
  • Giving birth to the anti-christ. Sadly, I can name more than one woman who got canned for giving birth to the anti-christ [or at least carrying the anti-christ in their womb]. He's a persistent little runt...
    [Omen / Seventh Seal]

    - 60 %
  • Cursing God. If bad things start to happen, you can usually blame yourself. Or someone you hired. And even if you blame God, it's best not to get on his bad side by.. say.. spitting blood in his priest's face. Or something.
    [Dracula / The Prophecy]

    - 50 %
  • Playing God. You were not meant to pretend you can create life as well as God. Don't genetically mess with animals; or worse, try to create your own human-like thing.
    [Deep Blue Sea / Frankenstein / Jurassic Park / Mimic / Resident Evil]
  • Ignoring native legends. Or building on burial grounds. They're both not very safe practices.
    [Arachnophobia / Dead Zone / The Keep / Komodo / Pet Cemetary / Wolfman]

    - 45 %
  • Building anything inspired by Satan. .... You really need an explanation for this?
    [Hellraiser / Thirteen Ghosts]

    - 40 %
  • Going off alone. Okay. Anyone who has roleplayed, read a horror novel, or even seen a scary movie, will know that the worst possible thing you want to do is go off alone. So in case you haven't gotten it yet, DON'T GO OFF ALONE. Take someone with you, and pray the monster sees them first so you can run away.
    [Aliens / House on Haunted Hill / The Haunting / Texas Chainsaw Massacre]

    - 35 %
  • Reading from an evil book. Such as one bound in human flesh. Or written in human blood. Or one that specifically says "Book of the Dead."
    [Army of Darkness / Evil Dead / The Mummy / Necronomicon]

    - 25 %
  • Capturing spirits. Conjuring is bad enough. Trapping them here usually pisses them off [if they weren't already].
    [Poltergeist 3 / Thirteen Ghosts]
  • Not killing the villain when you have the chance. Come on.. He's knocked unconscious, or bleeding to death, or distracted for that brief moment.. Don't let your humanity kick in now! He just tried to kill you!!
    [Darkman / Halloween]

    - 20 %
  • Conjuring spirits. Even in real life, it's never a good idea to mess with the spirits.
    [Hellraiser: Bloodlines / Raiders of the Lost Ark]
  • Voluntarily staying in a haunted house. For whatever reason. It's just not a good idea.
    [Rose Red / The Shining / House on Haunted Hill / The Haunting]

    - 15 %
  • Shooting someone. Usually the bad guy. If you shoot a huge monster, it will probably just attract their attention.
    [Intercept of Force / Independence Day]
  • Practicing magic. This includes ouija boards. And chanting in the middle of a circle of candles. And drinking magic potions. And voodoo. Especially voodoo.
    [Blair Witch 2 / Child's Play / Death Becomes Her / Hocus Pocus / Puppet Master]

    - 13 %
  • Being a scientist. Any kind. Biology, Physics, Genetics [especially genetics], computers.. Apparently there's still something morally wrong with exploring the world / universe.. because whenever you see a scientist in a movie, they'll most likely be dead by the end of the show. Knowledge corrupts, or something.
    [Attack of the Killer Tomatoes / Breeders / The Fly / Hollow Man / Terminator]

    - 12 %
  • Running upstairs. Okay.. If someone's in your house, and you're stupid enough to run upstairs where there is no possible way you can escape, I have to wonder how you're going to live.
    [Scream / Nightmare on Elm Street]
  • Parking in the middle of nowhere. Especially with the intent to have sex. Especially in the middle of the night.
    [Creature from the Black Lagoon / Swamp Thing / Urban Legends]

    - 11 %
  • Being in the wrong place at the wrong time. These are more of the innocent deaths that you kind of feel sorry for, but know that it just wouldn't be a good horror movie without.
    [The Bees / The Birds / Final Destination / Jack Frost]

    - 10 %
  • Moving to Castle Rock. Thirteen of Stephen King's horror novels took place there. Bwahaha..
    [Needful Things / Firestarter / It ...]
  • Buying strange artifacts. If something is foreign, and has strange rules that you have to follow, it's best to leave it with the vendor.
    [The Talisman / Amityville Horror / Demon Knight / Gremlins / The Keep / The Relic]

    - 8 %
  • Having a cell phone. If you have a cell phone, chances are it's going to go off at the most inopportune time... Like when you're being chased through the woods by a bad guy and trying to keep hidden. Or something.
    [Jurassic Park 3 / Scream 2 / Shocker]

    - 7 %
  • Lighting a fire. Don't ask me. It just seems that anyone who lights a fire [campfire, bonfire, regular house fire] somehow gets killed.
    [Friday the Thirteenth, Part 2]
  • Not checking your equipment before you use it. That's like throwing the pin instead of the grenade.
    [Anaconda / The Blair Witch Project]

    - 6 %
  • Saying "Who's There?" If there's a bad guy in the house, they're not going to say "Oh, just the bad guy." And when you say that, you give them a better idea of where you are.
    [Alligator / Night Flyer / Scream]

    - 5 %
  • Giving dramatic speeches. You'll bore everyone to death before the bad guys can kill them.
    [Deep Blue Sea / The Faculty]

    - 4 %
  • Investigating a strange noise. If you have to investigate strange noises, be sure to take someone with you, carry a weapon, or at least put on some clothes.
    [Mimic / Species / Thirteen Ghosts]

    - 3 %
  • Screaming "We're all gonna die!!!" Someone's bound to put you out of your - and their - misery.
    [Demon Knight / Tales from the Hood]
  • Investigating the paranormal. Anyone specializing in this field automatically gets three points against them.
    [John Carpenter's Vampires / Poltergeist / The Blair Witch Project]

    - 2 %
  • Answering the phone. Maybe you should invest in caller ID before you answer the phone.. And if it's an unknown name, don't answer it.
    [Clue / Scream]
  • Having a gun. Merely carrying a gun increases your chances of certain death. And half the time, the bad guy will get your gun and kill you with it. If you need a weapon, carry something more ingenious.. like a sword, or a grenade.
    [Urban Legends / Con Air]

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